Diagnose Me: Part One

Posted on Feb 17, 2010

Is there an online test to find out if you’re crazy?  I don’t really have a temper, and I rarely get angry enough to fly off the handle, but I am way, way, way too sensitive for my own good.  I realize this, which either makes me very self-aware or neurotic; though I’m not sure there is a ton of difference.  I am always analyzing the things I do and say, second-guessing myself at every turn, wondering if I will ever realize just exactly who I am.  I’m not particularly moody like I was in my teenage years, unless you rouse me up out of bed when I’m not ready, or it’s about to be that special time of the month. 

I want to be liked, but at the same time, I can generally tell who “my people” are and don’t really care to waste the effort on those who aren’t.  Not that I’m not interested in learning more about those people, it’s just more of a strain to me to go through all the small talk when I just know that sooner or later, I will just be some sort of fodder for their gossip.  And besides, I hate small talk. I’m terrible at it.  It’s like giving me a baseball bat and asking me not to run away screaming when the ball gets thrown.  I honestly think I would rather get a root canal than try to go up to someone and introduce myself and try to get to know them.  But if they initiate it, I’m fine.  What’s up with that?

I used to think in my preteen years that I would love to move to a different school and start over where they didn’t know me and I could be super-outgoing, and maybe then I would be popular.  And then I went to Covenant College, where I had that opportunity, and it was even worse. At least at my hometown schools, the kids had the same accent I did.  I felt even more like the odd one out and like a fish out of water!  Is this the way everyone feels, like no matter where they go, they are the one who is out of place? You’d think I’d realize that no, I’m not that special, no one is looking at me and thinking, “What a weirdo!”  But if life’s a stage, I feel like I’m the girl who has just walked out stark naked, and then slipped on a banana peel.

Sometimes I feel like these thoughts are too big for the people around me. People don’t like what they don’t understand.  I am intrigued and haunted by what I don’t understand.  Thinking about the universe, how big and small things are, where it all came from, what the purpose of it all is, those are things I think about a lot, and those kinds of things can send me into fits of hyperventilation.  I’m not saying I’m super-smart or anything.  When my BFF Nick starts talking about literature, I often find myself smiling and nodding and saying things like, “Wow, Dexter really slashed that bad guy up good, didn’t he!”  It can’t be that I’m more educated than the people around me, because I still haven’t finished college. I don’t even have an Associate’s Degree.  And it can’t be that I’m worldlier, because I’ve never really been anywhere.  I don’t really follow politics or any one thing too closely.  I like to read, but I can’t say I’ve brushed up on all the classics, and furthermore, it makes me infinitely sad when I think of all of the books that have been written that I will never get to read.  But get me away from the “Nuh uh, your so stupid…Adam Lambert/Miley Cyrus/Toby Keith is AWESOME!!!!11!!!!1”-type people, and I don’t have this problem as much.  I know the key is to just find other people like me, and while I can generally have had good luck finding people that have a few things in common with me, there is no one who is exactly ME. 

The Boyfriend is the closest I’ve come.  We can talk for hours, even five years into our relationship, about how we think all those animals could have gotten onto the Ark, why stupid people procreate, the ending of Battlestar Galactica (and that’s one we disagree on, actually)….  But he doesn’t seem to be bogged down by all the stigmas that I have.  He is outgoing and even when he’s aware he’s being a know-it-all or an ass, he doesn’t seem to care too much.  I am afraid to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing. So, how can we be so alike but be so different socially?  Does it have to do with our upbringing?  Our childhoods were actually pretty similar, too. 

So, why am I so afraid to speak up?  And why am I asking so many questions?  Maybe it’s time to unofficially find out…..

Click here to read part two: The Results!

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2 Responses to "Diagnose Me: Part One"

  1. Lisa says:

    Hi Jebbica. I came across your blog link on LaFayette Underground. Didn’t expect when I came to your blog to find that you also went to Covenant. When were you there? I graduated in 2001. Just wondering.


  2. Christian Martinez says:

    Hi, possibly i’m being a slightly off topic here, but I was browsing your site and it looks attractive. I’m making a blog and trying to make it look clean, but everytime I touch it I mess something up. Did you design the blog yourself? Could someone with little experience do it, and add updates without messing it up? Anyways, good information on here, very useful.



  1. (the) Jebbica » Blog Archive » More about Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) and Me

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