Top 7 Reasons Why Vampires are Overrated

Posted on Jun 19, 2010

Republican
Creative Commons License photo credit: celebdu

I’ve watched Twilight, and I just can’t get into it. I mean, sure, there is a certain amount of male skin that would make it appealing to a teenage girl. But, unless you’re a teenage girl, what is there for you?

True Blood isn’t much better. Of course there is a certain appeal to it. It’s definitely humorous, and it has its scary and sexy moments, but at the end of each episode, I’m often finding myself wondering why everyone’s so gaga over Sookie Stackhouse, and I’m always rooting for her and Bella to go with the un-undead man meat. It was a little different in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, because her options were a little more limited. A vampire with a heart of gold was a little sweeter, since it was her life’s work to, well, slay them. But neither Sookie nor Bella kills vampires for a living. They are, for the most part, normal girls living in a world full of mutants. And when faced with a world full of sexy humans, shape-shifters, werewolves, et al, vampires seem like they would be only slightly higher than zombies in the dating pool.

Here are seven reasons why I think vampires are overrated:

  1. Dating a vampire=no social life–Think about it.  You’re up, being a normal person all day, working, running errands, hanging out with your friends, and then you have to wait until dark to see your honey.  That means you have to be one of those crazy people who can survive without sleep, or you have to adjust your schedule to be with your man.  Therefore, you start sleeping more during the day, totally losing your own sense of self and all the people you love around you who, you know, don’t force you to adjust to their hours.
  2. He can’t take you out to dinner–I mean, he can, but have you ever been out with the guy who waits for you to order the filet mignon and then orders a salad and water, expressing that he’s watching his weight?  Think of how annoying that would be ALL THE TIME.  You’re chowing down on the fettuccine alfredo, and he’s sipping on his glass of deer/synthetic blood.  And that’s if you have one of the good ones.  If you’ve managed to snag yourself a bad boy, he’s probably feasting on the waiter.  Um, can I get more bread please?
  3. Daytime activities are out of the question–Which might be fine, if you are an avid video gamer or couch potato, but if enjoy doing any kinds of outdoor activities, like hiking, rafting, jogging, that’s pretty much out.  What about a simple picnic in the park?  Out.  And forget about summertime, when it’s daylight from 5 am-10 pm, because you are pretty much going to be stuck inside reading a book the whole time.  Preferable nothing by Charlaine Harris, Stephenie Meyer, or Anne Rice.  Because, the second your guy steps out to check out your kid’s T-Ball game, he’s all bursting into flames, turning into a cloud of dust, or worse, getting all sparkly.
  4. Cold feet–There is nothing better than having a warm body around when you are freezing cold.  That tingly feeling you get when your feet are up against a warm pair of tootsies…what can top that?  That is, unless you’re with a vampire, then it’s cold feet 24/7.  Better not turn that thermostat up honey, my flesh might start rotting off. Not that you’re going to be getting snuggly in bed, anyway, because he probably sleeps in a coffin.  And getting freaky with a cold slab of dead man?  Eww.  Seriously, something tells me you’re better off getting a vibrator.
  5. Dude. He’s like, older than your grandfather–Once a person has lived through all of the major wars in America, what can he possibly have in common with a young girl?  Why does no one seem to find this creepy at all?  Just because he has the body of a seventeen-year-old, doesn’t mean he should be dating sixteen-year-old girls.  There’s a reason he’s so good in History class; not only has he taken it a hundred or so times, but he probably lived through most of it.  And someone who has been around since before there were cars or the internet or text-speak, what could he possibly want with you, unless he has some kind of weird, creepy Michael Jackson syndrome?  Seriously!
  6. They don’t age, but you do–So, what do you have, a few years where you look like a normal couple?  And then you might have a few more, as long as Cougardom is still trendy, but do you seriously think he’s going to be with you when you are looking like one of the Golden Girls?  Or even one of the Sex and the City girls?  No. Go back and read #5.  How many vampires do you see with 70-year-old women?  He’s either going to turn you into a vampire, which means no more chocolate for the rest of eternity, or he’s going to dump you for a younger model.  He’s like Hugh Hefner that way, yo.
  7. Your blood is like a drug to him–he might be on the straight and narrow vampire path, but your blood is the ultimate taboo for him, and it’s what he’s probably thinking about when he’s taking so much time in the bathroom (because really, what else is he doing in there?  Does he actually go to the bathroom?).  And hickeys are just gross.  So, not only is he bossing you around, telling you when to sleep and what extracurricular activities you’re allowed to do, but he’s literally sucking you dry.  Wow. Sounds like a winner to me!

So there you have it:  just a few reasons why vampires are lame.  Please comment if you have additional reasons, or you have a totally different opinion!

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3 Responses to "Top 7 Reasons Why Vampires are Overrated"

  1. Thanks for sharing, I ran across this article whilst looking for infomation for my term report, interesting comments and fantastic points made.

    Reply

  2. Cameron says:

    I get it. Valid points, but I’d still totally go for a vampire. LOL bring it on. Spike, Angel, Edward, I’ll deal with the negatives! haha
    Cameron´s last blog ..Girls Night & A New Book!My ComLuv Profile

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  3. Swearing says:

    I don’t get the whole vampire thing. Seems like a tired and dreary genre to me, now updated with a lot of silly teenage romanticism. We need new monsters.
    Swearing´s last blog ..The Berlitz Foul Language SeriesMy ComLuv Profile

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